thoughts and reflections
- A painful memory of being ignored while a loved one worked on multimedia on a computer… leading me to make the irrational vow in myself that I'd never do that to another person—causing me to constantly "check" with others that I'm not ignoring them when I should be working—whether it be via Facebook, Twitter, or elsewhere.
- A feeling of pain that somehow bringing this webseries pilot episode to completion would be making an "idol." My college days included some strong energies about "making something into an idol" by loving it more than God. Rejecting fundamentalism in my life has since liberated me from my need to see the divine in petty, egotistical stories and metaphors, but there was quite a lot of baggage that had to be cleared along the way. One healing approach was to realize the divine is not so tyrannical and megalomaniacal. Another was to get a sense that there was and is a strong divine "Kingdom of God" purpose to the telling of my Animus stories.
- Traditional male and female roles, and my childhood frustration with them, lingering in my mind… As a child I was exposed to certain ideas that lead me to believe that if I were to do only housework and not, say, professional projects using my skillset, I would somehow be empowering women. Though I've consciously moved on from this simplistic view of gender and equality, my deeper mindset kept pushing me to go clean something instead of make art and animate it for the webseries.
- A sense that doing anything, strongly, with much effort, would be utterly wrong and inappropriate, because in some ways my psyche was still locked in an old role—the one of pastor—which I held for a year at a congregation in Michigan, one that, despite my relinquishing of it, my mind was unable to give up.
- Not wanting to move on to a "finished" state on a video project, because I…subconsciously realized that I would firmly be leaving behind a happy golden memory of a time when I had a whole creative team working beside me—the loss of which I very much associated with the loss of my marriage, as my ex-wife was part of that team. This webseries was, comparatively, a single-person effort (though I did have a touch of help with the coloring, and the music isn't mine) and its completion and public broadcast would force me to face what I'd lost.